Movie-going Teenagers

Specimen: Go to a movie theater on a Friday night. They’re everywhere.
Natural Habitat: Auditorium 9; Sneaking into Auditorium 13
Scientific Name: Tener Celebratio
Diet: Poprocks and, with any luck, Coca-Cola

Last time, I exposed the morons who make horrible comedies. Today, I’m targeting the morons who make the former so successful. Have you ever gone to the movies, looked around at all the posters, and wondered, “Who wants to see this garbage?” Have you ever been sitting in a theater and had the first ten minutes ruined because the teenager next to you had to text message their other friends about how they can’t talk because they just sat down for some lame horror movie?

Sure, some teens are actually respectful of others at the movies, but you can’t deny that the reason many people have abandoned going to the movies is because some people between the ages of 12 and 20 don’t know how to shut up and turn their phones off for two hours.

Not only is this specific brand of teenager the bane of just about every moviegoer’s existence, but they’re often the only reason that movies like Epic Movie and The Grudge 2 get churned out year after year like clockwork. They’ll see any old shitball movie because their friend Tina knows a guy who works at a theater who said his boss liked it. But good movies that real people understand and enjoy? Those are usually too deep and will be dismissed as ‘lame’ or ‘too geeky’ for these specimens.

Idiot-savant comedy directors and the bottom-feeders who make them thrive are, without a doubt, the scourge of the movie-going public. They're also the Worst People in the World.

Grocery Cart Gnomes

Specimen:
Scientific Name: Rectum Rodentia
Natural Habitat: Grocery Stores and Wal-Marts throughout the country.
Diet: All the best parking spaces.

The grocery cart gnome is an elusive creature, rarely seen in the wild, but their effect on the ecosystem is grossly evident. Their main behavior is to leave grocery carts rolling just far anough into a parking space to prevent anyone from parking there, or occasionally on the gutter or curb. To avoid detection, they often hide this bi-product right behind one of those big trucks, so it doesn't look like anything is there until you round the corner, pull halfway into the space and scratch your bumper on the cart. Like other rodents, they will gather their waste in collective clusters scattered throughout the habitat, sometimes leaving five or six adjacent prime parking spaces wasted, forcing the rest of us to circle the parking lot, wasting precious time and gas.

The average Mal-Mart resident might confuse the gnome with the grocery cart elf, the breed whose sole purpose is to collect and remove the debris left by the gnomes. If you see one of these creatures, do not harm it, for they are the only thing standing between us and a world that looks like this:
Why are they so horrible? Because it's not that hard to push your empty cart twenty feet into the little corral that they put on every row for that exact purpose. You pushed it all the way out to your car while it was full of Little-Debbies, Funjuns, and questionable meat products, but you just can't take that extra step, can you? Make no mistake, grocery cart gnomes are the Worst People in the World.

Idiot-Savant Comedy Directors

Specimen: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Scientific Name: Injustus Prosperitas
Natural Habitat: Hollywood; The Multiplex; Your Sister’s DVD Shelf
Diet: Laughter; original content
See Also: Adam Shankman, Shawn Levy, Tim Story

Comedy directors who, despite having little to no natural talent for directing anything even in the remote vicinity of funny, continue to make successful films that draw mind-bogglingly large crowds.

The two bungpieces in question (pictured above) started their Hollywood career as screenwriters for the Leslie Nielsen flick Spy Hard. It would prove to be their Citizen Kane, as they then went on to contribute to all four Scary Movies, as well as branching out their own brand of failure as directors of four of the worst movies ever made (Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, and the forthcoming Disaster Movie).

One might think that prolonged exposure to Jerry Zucker and the Wayans Brothers would have caused some actual comedic talent to rub off on Friedberg and Seltzer. Instead, they misinterpreted pop culture references for sight gags, and proceeded to churn out the worst kind of one-trick-ponies known to man. What's worse is that I think they know exactly what they're doing. They're not so much comedy directors as they are shrewd businessmen, continuously producing the feature-length equivalent of Best Week Ever every six months, simply because the people who watch Best Week Ever think their movies are the epitome of topical humor.

After near-unanimous negative reviews, one would think that Date Movie would’ve put their comedy career out of its misery. But no. The public has spoken. Their three directorial efforts have collectively grossed $258 million. Somebody had to front to cash to see these abortions. And that brings me to my next specimen…

The Willfully Ignorant

Specimen: Your old college roommate who probably could have cured cancer, developed independent energy solutions, or at least landed a part-time job, if he hadn’t devoted himself fully to Halo 2.
Scientific Name: Ignorami Purposo
Habitat: Throughout suburban America, occasionally rural.
Diet: Handed silver platters, but eat instead from the dog bowl.


Notable for what is otherwise a fully-functional mind and body, this breed is particularly horrible because there is nothing actually wrong with them. As the name suggests, they are ignorant not due to psychological or socio-economic disadvantages, but purely through their own doing. They are typically middle- to upper-class, which provides them an environment to thrive without ever having to develop themselves, mentally or physically. This leads them to assume that everyone else has also been afforded the same, hence the source of their condition. A major side-effect of this condition is the steadfast belief that there is nothing wrong with the world, as demonstrated here:

Despite the fact that they are fully capable of succeeding at any number of endeavors, any one of which might be put to use by someone, somewhere, to benefit something in some way, they lower every bar for themselves, and end up as nothing but a shallow husk of wasted potential. These are among a number of breeds unable to speak, read, or write in their own first language. They can be found spelling things incorrectly on purpose, text messaging, and feigning faux urban or Japanese slang in order to blend in with their surroundings. In the words of Dr. Henry Jones, Sr., these “goose-stepping Nazis should try reading books instead of burning them.”

The willfully ignorant are not to be confused with the spoiled brats, who are often found in the same environment, and behave similarly, but are more likely to take advantage of their silver platter, rather than opting for the dog bowl. Make no mistake, the willfully ignorant are, without doubt, the Worst People in the World.

Welcome

Hello everyone, and welcome to our grand exhibit of... The Worst People in the World.

In our many adventures, we manage to encounter some of the worst people ever to exist, and we'd like to share some of them with you. You know the ones I mean. And you can share yours with us, and maybe, just maybe, these problems can be exposed to the world and we can work together towards a solution...

Some of them are from the internet, yes, but far more terrifying are the real-life tales of horror, from such bastions of human achievement as Wal-Mart, Bi-Lo, Gatlinburg, and the Ripley's Aquarium at Myrtle Beach, among many, many others. Wherever they may be found, we'll be there. Scoffing and murmuring under our breath when we think they're out of earshot.

So join me, Kidd Montana, and our good friend Joe, as we venture forth into the murky depths of the human condition, and bring forth these grotesque specimens into the spotlight.